“I’m a cruise ship entertainer – get me out of here…!” Shouted Bertie Pearce after his first cruise on the Norwegian Fjords. All Aboard is the tale of the hilarious, bizarre and real life events of Bertie Pearce’s first job as a cruise ship entertainer.

The Cruise ship industry doesn’t do irony, Bertie Pearce does. In a uniquely scathing and intensely accurate portrayal of cruising Bertie mimics passengers, crew and himself in a hilarious send up of all aspects of holidaying at sea.

Read the review by Scott Penrose for "The Magic Circular"

The Crew

Camp Mark, the entertainments officer demonstrates the velcro strips on life jackets, “Make it with Mavis” the craft lady berates passengers for stealing her scissors and clogging up the glue gun. Jerry Sparkle the comedian, on his second scotch by 11.00am, repeats gags in his show and gets away with it, while John the dance host fauns all over a wealthy widow, having failed with the cabaret dancing girls; Muffy and Minky.

The Passengers

“Cruising is not a holiday, it’s a way of life” sniffs Sybil Watson, a passenger who never gets off, while her bridge partner mad Dorothy is convinced the ship is going up the Amazon. Anthony, a retired Brigadier has lost his cabin and his wife, while Loretta Marsh is so sick she vomits her teeth without realising it and then complains at Reception. Sadly, Ethel Rigby’s husband has just died in the bingo but she is far more concerned about the conservatory restaurant shutting at 2.00pm.